More like, where did you come from?? When I think about my childhood - I think about growing up with a brother I could be sarcastic with, that I could take the beating from - but still was terrified when he saw my face afterwards and would run to mom, that I could laugh about EVERYTHING with, could talk to about anything....That could see the fear in my eyes and be able to talk me through it or grab my hand and let me know he was there. With a mother that would do anything she could to make sure we had every single thing we wanted, to make sure we knew we were loved and that she did the very best she could. That I could talk to about anything, no matter what. I still remember her voice, her laugh, her hands, remember her laying in bed with me - every single night - when I couldn't sleep because I would be afraid of dying and being buried. Feeling like I was going to be sick, and knowing she would be there, with a wet rag on my neck, holding my hair...that would let me crawl in bed with her and sleep in between her legs - like a dog. She must have loved me, because how uncomfortable that was for her! With a family that was always there for me, looked out for me, and would make sure I had everything I needed, when mom couldn't give it to me. With a grandmother - again, that I could tell anything to and know it wasn't going anywhere. But could also give me the look of death when I did something wrong, but the second I threw up "flowers" or doing her hair or nails, would love me with the sweetest smile in her being. With a grandpa that watched nothing but Hulk Hogan (Wrestling), COPS, and In the Heat of the Night...that would pinch the heck out of my pinkie - to "milk my mouse" but was so cuddly, I could curl up on his lap and cuddle with him, like a big teddy bear. That, still to this day, I can still remember his smell(s), his laugh, his sneeze, his hands, loading scrap metal with him, working on cars with him, being his little helper...my Pappy. Always, growing up, like other normal families/kids...we didn't have everything we ever wanted, not the HUGE house, not the nicest cars, not the best clothes or toys...as per the other kids. We were always happy though. I honestly never remember in my life, crying or being so upset when I couldn't have something. I remember being told no, but then my birthday or Christmas would roll around and there it would be. Patience. I have met some pretty amazing people in my life - clearly, couldn't mention all of them...but I am very thankful for the places I have been. Very excited for the places I am going. I am beyond excited to know that where I came from 1 year ago, is beyond words. Those of you may have an idea of how I returned back from Cali...roughing it! I left it all. I got all I could get in my car and the big fat turtle on top of my car - Thanks Kar!! Angie, I will get that out of your garage ASAP, I promise! :) Ah hum, needless to say, I didn't have very much. I gave all of my furniture up. All of it. Well, all of it but Ty's stuff. I just wanted out. So, when I finally moved out and got my own place - it was quite the emotional experience. Knowing I couldn't afford ANYTHING...knowing I had nothing, I felt like I had failed as a mother. I left the "home" I had, everything in it, to get away and to have NOTHING. My first night in the apartment...I borrowed toilet paper, yes, borrowed. Had to borrow plastic forks, paper plates, EVERYTHING. I had to sit in my floor and watch tv (one that someone had been generous enough to give me) - cable is included in my rent - THANK GOD! The only furniture I had was my bedroom suite and that has been loaned to me as well. Ty was still in his pack n' play, where he had spent the last 7 months of his life. I literally had nothing. My grandmother went with me to K-Mart to pick up some necessities for the apartment, shower liner, hooks, towels, a clock! She bought me my towels and my shower hooks...and I stood in line in K-Mart...boo hooing, just thankful for everyone that had helped me out. My amazing friends gave me a housewarming party that helped me get a few more things for the house...actually a lot of things! I honestly cannot describe that feeling...the feeling of not having anything, having people give you things, buy things for you...I am crying now, as I type this. Kayla took me shopping for toilet paper, DAWN, paper towels, a trash can...just let me pile the buggy full. Paid for all of it. You guys have been so wonderful. I see the things you guys have done and where I came from, and what I have now. I now have all the furniture I have ever wanted, a flat screen (who would have thought!), my first washer and dryer, I have been able to decorate, buy things to hang on the wall...did I think I could do this 4 months ago? NO way. Every single bit of everything I have, is paid for. That is nothing but God gracing me with some wonderful friends, family, and plenty of blessings that have helped me on my way. I want each and every one of you to know that I appreciate every bit of it and will be here for you, if/when you ever need anything. I love all of you. That being said, back to my post - Where am I headed? I'm headed to a life of blessings and appreciation and patience for everything I never thought would come, coming. So, from where I came from, to where I am now...nothing. but. blessings. AHH :)
Breate. It. In.
No comments:
Post a Comment