Missing things...

When things go missing, they always hold that slim chance that SOMEDAY, SOME TIME, they will be found. I remember when I was little, I would lose something I absolutely "needed" at that very moment. I remember crying and getting so frustrated because I had looked everywhere I thought that it might be. Still, nothing. I would EVEN pray to God to help me find it, help it turn up...sheesh - what? I was 7 or something! I know, I know...I was desperate. I would even call in the troops (MOM) and have her come look with me/for me. Nothing. UNTIL, a week later - you are looking for something else, and there it is - right where you looked 100 times. That's how I feel right now, my memories, smells, laughs, touches, smile...they are missing. Not mine, but the memories of my mom's. Maybe I'm trying WAY too hard to find them. I feel like I've called in the troops, still, NOTHING. Mom passed away 3 years ago - yesterday. I remember praying to God, while looking at her lifeless body in the casket - happy for her, sad for me - you know the drill. Asking him to please, don't let me forget those things. Don't let me forget where I put them, always be able to go there and get them whenever I wanted to see them again. I think I have closed the door on those memories or buried them underneath something, anger maybe? Sadness maybe? Hurt maybe? Maybe all three? Maybe angry that she left me - without a mother, without a best friend to talk to every single day, maybe 3 or more times a day...Sadness that Tyler will never get to meet his Mimi Jo and know what a wonderful person she was. Sad that he will only know her pictures, and the memories that I haven't shut the door on. Sad that he won't be able to grow up with the same memories I had of her. Sad that I won't be able to remember all of the memories to share with him and help him "know" his Mimi...Sad he can't wear a "Going to Grandmas House" shirt without mommy sitting in Wal-Mart and bawling her eyes out. Hurt - hurt at the decisions that she made, when I would try to help her, she wouldn't realize. She didn't think there was anything wrong. Hurt by her actions and that I had called her the night she passed away to chew her a new butthole, only to find out, she was probably already dead...and if she wasn't? That would have been our last conversation. The very last memory I had of my mom is when her and Adam came to visit me in California. That was the best one. Brought back some of the memories that I have "lost"...I think it made wonderful memories for mom too...because I remember an email from her as soon as she got back, it was pretty long, but it pretty much said how much she enjoyed her trip out to visit me and Adam. How she always knew I would make it "in the city" and how I would always succeed in whatever I decided to do. (Marriage...yeah - she's probably laughing right now and convincing God to kick him in the nads when he gets to heaven...umm...nevermind) I remember the one line from the email that has always been a memory for me, that I just cried and cried after I went back and found it, after she passed away. "I loved the trip to Cali, it was probably one of the best memories of my life. I will always cherish that memory of you, me and Adam on the beach as long as I live" So, I have put a few pictures from that trip - one of the best memories that I can actually remember :) I miss her like mad.

Beautiful.

She was so gorgeous. We picked this dress out - TOGETHER.
She LOVED her babies and taking pictures of them.

Love this picture. Once he gets out of med school (Which, by the way, bud - Mom would be super duper proud of you) this is how he will feel :)

Best Friends. Love her. Miss her.

Kind of like how we are now...taking off on our own, figuring things out - with nothing but "leftovers" of memories of our mommy.

My other best friend.

He brightens my day.

This brightens my day.

The person I grew up, wanting to punch in the face - EVERY SINGLE DAY - is now the person I call to, crying, laughing, still punching, loving him and all of his accomplishments. SO PROUD.

This is the picture Ty knows. He loves his Mimi.

No words.

Peaceful. Relaxed. Heaven.