Oh, how lucky....

How lucky am I to have the most gorgeous little boy and the best family and friends a girl could ask for?? Tell me, how lucky?? I think I an answer that....I can answer that with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. It's that feeling. You know the one...the one where you can sit and say, "Gosh, how did I get so lucky?" Last night was one of those moments. Well, every day is one of those moments, but last night...my heart ached with the happiness I felt. The laughter I had. As soon as I hit the door of the evening, I peek around to see where my little munchkin is...the second I spot him and the second he spots me is the best moment of my day. He gives me that "make mommy melt" grin and throws his hands up...like, "Geez mommy...where have you been...FINALLY!" Every Day. So when I pick him up he grabs me so tight and lays his head on my shoulder and raises up with a smile. I know, as I'm typing this, I'm getting teary just thinking about getting off work to see it happen again. Oh, and that laugh. Some people have heard it...but not very many. He has a "woodpecker" laugh, as I like to call it, mostly everyone hears that one...not too many people have heard the 'bust a gut' laugh...the one where he throws his head back and laughs so hard he has to catch his breath. THAT LAUGH. Last night, on multiple occasions, I was able to hear that laugh. I love that laugh. THAT LAUGH is just enough to keep me happy and smiling for the rest of my days. Unbelieveable. Not to mention...little man walked!!! BY HIMSELF. No help from mommy....he walked straight to me and would give me one of those laughs every time he got to me. I have to say, it was one proud moment for this mama!!! Video is below :)

Learning....BLAH!

How many times have you felt a certain way, but gone in a completely wrong direction, then when you get there, you see a big fat sign saying, "Please turn around, you're going the wrong way!" then you want to turn around and head for the hills? I can honestly say, that has been my life in the past, oh...6 years. From graduating high school, to going off and getting hitched...only to realize (NOW) I should have just stayed and gone to school...I could be doing what I absolutely LOVE right now! However, I should say -- I do not live in the past, nor regret my decisions. Last night, as I was laying on my couch...in severe pain from my stinking kidneys...I was thinking...I am pretty content with my life and the decisions I have made. Sure, that college thing is going to happen...not looking forward to it, but I'll get there! Sure, I have to sacrafice some time with my handsome fella to get it done, but it will happen. I have used this sentence in the past couple of weeks, OFTEN..."I'm just going to let things happen"... but when I do that, I don't realize that I push them to happen the way I want to, and not just "let it happen"... so that's what I'm going to do. Pray...Wait...and Listen. This is coming from a pretty impatient person. Actually, really impatient. In fact, I don't think I have ever been patient for anything...other than winning the lottery. :) Another time when I saw that big fat sign...getting hitched. What on earth was I thinking? Sure, Ty is the best little miracle to come from that horrendousness, but come on, God...why couldn't I have had my glasses on when I passed that sign? But as I was painfully thinking last night (ha!) I thought to myself, "I honestly learned my lesson!!" What a crappy lesson, but hey...I learned it. It's like when you're in high school and the teacher is going over, lets say, GEOMETRY. I have NEVER, EVER used Geometry since that moment. It's those things you learn, that you have no use for...but you know them because the teacher is pounding them in your head. It's kind of like that. I have learned, so far - as much as I could have - what it's like to be a single parent...to go through the things my mom had to experience. I have thought to myself (and out loud) - "How did mom do it?? With 2 kids??" Gives you a little more respect for someone when you're sitting in their big whoppin' shoes. I have learned that you have to WORK for things you want...and save for things you want to do or buy. Learn not to trust people so much. Learn not to take family for granted. They WONT always be there. Cherish the time you have with them. I have done just that. Never in my wildest, did I think I would be losing my mom 3 years ago. Nor, did I think I would be able to live without her. I talked to her every single day, and still - to this day, want to pick up the phone and call her, just to vent...The feeling of knowing that I can't do that...such a bad feeling. That word. Learning. Yes, I missed out on college 6 years ago (Lord, I could almost be a doctor...::keep writing::) but the life lessons I have learned would be enough to last me a life time. Thus, I have created a list. A list of things I want to do, people I want to surround myself with, things I want to accomplish, things I want Ty to value, just as much as I did. It started out as a small list - in my head - that I made when I left Brandon...of things I would not ever live around/with anymore. More like an, ah hum,...next spouse list?? Yes, that's it. It started out as that...of things I want, things I don't want. Boy, has it grown. It has branched out to be about 3 different lists. I have kept this list to myself, until now. People know I have it, they just don't know what it says. Well, look at me, Ms. Blogger...opening up. I just wanted to share...so that you guys know where I'm coming from and what I've LEARNED in the past 6 years.
Okay, Okay - This may not be realistic, but it'll be dang close. I may have to change a few...but not the most important ones :)

List #1 - My MAN list
MUST be a Christian and attend church regularly
MUST not have any addictions
MUST not smoke - YUCKO
MUST love Ty and treat him like his own
MUST love me and treat me the way I deserve
MUST have a job
MUST have money - haha...okay, that one I may have to change...but hopefully not!
MUST have a car

MUST be able to support himself...before me!
MUST be family oriented
MUST like to travel
MUST be willing to have a female (ME) as his best friend
I'm sure I'll be adding wayyyy more to this as time goes on...but that's the gist of it!

List #2 - My list to Ty
I want him to know how much I have tried to make his life the best possible
I want him to know how much I love him and support him
I want him to appreciate me and the things I do for him
I want him to know I'm proud of him
I want him to be my little Heisman boy...hey...dream big or go home...what I say :)
I want him to be a family man and know how to treat a woman - AND HE WILL
I want him to be raised in church - AND HE WILL BE
I want him to succeed in everything he does in life
I want him to know that even though I can't give him EVERY THING that he wants, I will try my very best.
I want him to know the value of a dollar
I want him to know that certain things in life ARE NOT OKAY
I want him to know that certain things in life ARE OKAY
I want him to know how much I love him, never to question it.
I don't want him to hate me for leaving his dad
I don't want him to hate me...Period.
I don't want him to EVER question my love for him and why I did the things I did.
I could go on and on...

List #3 - Things I want
I want to be the best mother Tyler could ever ask for
I want to go back to school and GRADUATE
I want to continue to hold God in front of me...(and behind me...if I do happen to fall)
I want this stinking divorce over with!!
I want to get my car paid off so I can get rid of this ridiculous car payment
I want to win the lottery..haha! (Just making sure you're paying attention!)
I want to own my own house
I want to meet the man of my dreams
I want to succeed for once.
I want to make Ty proud of me
I want my family to know how much I love them, even if I don't tell them
I want to give Ty all I can possibly give him
I want to travel...ALL OVER. Ireland #1.
I want Ty to be there.
I want to take chef classes - just for fun :)
I want to take pictures...of everything - and actually show people :)
I want to know that if anything ever happened to me that I did all that I could do to complete every single thing on all of these lists.
Sure, it may not all happen...and it just may - it just might take a while. But I plan on sticking on this earth for a few more years...God gave me the time to do it, and I only get one chance. So, this is it! I think everyone should have a "list"...maybe not 3...maybe just 1, but it helps put things in perspective. I'm excited.

Some pictures :)

Also...check out my new furniture!!

Happy New YEAR?!?!

It's been a year already?! So, well...I guess it has. A LOT has happened in the past year, I guess...but it has FLOWN by! A year ago, today - I had no clue where my life was going or how I would get there - but now that it's a year later and I see where I am, I couldn't be more excited and happy to know that - by this time next year, I do see where my life is going and I see that I have control of how it turns out. Thus, brings in my New Years resolutions. I have never been the one to make a resolution. Not one. I think my mom used to put - black eyed peas, maybe? - In her purse, supposed to bring good luck?! I have never done that. Nor have I done anything like it. I'm not the type to pick up a penny if it's on heads or wish for unrealistic things, OR put black eyed peas in my purse! I am very planned out, but do enjoy a nice surprise every now and again. However, New Years resolution, one - making New Years resolutions and sticking to them :) So, here goes.

(Not in any particular order...)

1) STOP biting my nails. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that MY ENTIRE LIFE. Or, "You'll get worms!" My next response is, "I haven't got them yet!" or, my grandmother's favorite, "I'm not biting...I'm just getting a hangnail"...which is the truth, until I feel the urge to bite the rest of it off. I'm horrible. I have probably bitten my nails ever since I've had teeth to bite them with! So, the next time you see me biting, smack my hand and don't let me give you any excuses :)

2) LEARN to put myself first. The past 6 years, I have only known to put a certain someone's needs before my own. I guess I always have. I'm a 'people-pleaser', what can I say?! This year, I'm flying solo, and it's my turn, dang it! (And of course Ty's!!) But I am going to put MY GOALS first and actually get them done. Not let my lazy side get the best of me - and not do it. I WILL.

3) SPEND more time with family and friends. I'm trying...I'm trying! I actually started this one as soon as I got back from Cali - so I guess I should make you guys realize how much I've missed you. Considering, I have seen you more since I've been home, than I have in the past 4 years of being gone. However, I'm going to try harder to see you guys more. I think everyone pretty much realizes how much I have missed them, but I'm going to make it my resolution to make sure I don't have to miss you guys any more!

4) GET IN SHAPE. That sums it up...I know, I know, everyone's resolution is to get fit and fab for the new year, but honestly - who does that? No one I know :) Sorry guys...I don't do it either. I have never made it a resolution, just a personal goal, I can do it for about a week, then someone will bring me the exact thing I have been missing since my diet, and I have to give in...you know the drill. But, since it's a new year and new beginnings, I plan to do this. Beginning January 1, 2010 - No longer will I have any SODA, NONE. No Kool-Aid...my weakness. I'm not saying I'm going on a diet, I'm just going to "watch" what I eat...and no, not as it goes in my mouth...before! I'm going to do this. I did this a few years ago and got down to 130, I don't think I've seen that number since middle school. HA! I have officially LOST ALL of my baby weight (GO ME!) So, it's time to lose a few more pounds and get back to 130 and get my tummy back...no, not the flabby one - the fit, cute, one. (Y'all never knew I had such a thing! HAHA....it's there, it's just in hiding!) My grandmother has a picture on her fridge from when I lost all of that weight...I'm wearing a pair of Kayla's dress pants...oh, from 7th grade and NO MUFFIN TOP...I have to say, it's quite hot. Every time I open the fridge to get something (I'm sure, fattening) I see it and it makes me want to gag. Here we go 2010! :)

5) ENJOY the things in my life and the people in my life. I want to be more excited and happy with my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed - by any means, I just wish I could say I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY LIFE and wouldn't change a thing about it. It's on, 2010!! Bring it on.

6) LEARN something new. Mom and Adam always taught me, "Knowledge is Power"...something just finally clicked....they're right! I would love to learn more about photography, God, my heritage, etc. There's so much out there and I'm willing. Speaking of learning, I have EVERY intention on registering for college in 2010. I have been trying to get in since I got back, but they go on last year's tax statement - BOO! Well, according to the government and the law...I'm still married (more on that below!) and WE made too much last year. Well, in 2010, they go off of 2009 - Thank Jesus! Since I get to file separate this year, it's going to make it CAKE to get back into school. Hallelujar! :)

7) GET DIVORCED. **Warning....this could get ugly (but I'll try) ** I have taken every action necessary (according to my lawyer) to get divorced. Now it's just a waiting - and giving in - game. Well, I'm not a big fan of turning over my son to a drug addict who is in recovery, oh - at a methadone clinic, with no job - who lives with his parents...we won't get into that one. So, I'm not so sure that's going to go as fast as I want it to, but my big PLAN this year is to get this crap over with so I can move on to better things. Lord, help me.

8) HELP others. I guess this kind of rules out my "putting myself first"...although, I still plan to do that and balance helping others at the same time. I love the feeling of knowing that I helped someone and received NOTHING back. I can't describe it, you know the one. I want that. Again, 2010...bring it on.

9) TRAVEL with my munchkin. This refers to the divorce, once it is final and I can take my son out of Tennessee, I have every intention of starting ANNUAL LASSITER vacations. One thing I remember growing up, every single year - we took a vacation. Myrtle Beach, yeah yeah...not that awesome, but when you're a kid and that's what you do, on an annual basis - you learn to LOVE IT. I want Ty to have that to look forward to. Long-term TRAVEL goal....Ireland (see #10)...I have ALWAYS wanted to see it and just fall in love with it in person, as much as I have the pictures, so - Ty, baby...get ready...maybe not 2010, but soon love.

10) SAVE. SAVE. SAVE. BIGGEST goal of all. I am very organized with my money and have ALWAYS been a huge saver. Until now. Being a single mom with the bills I have, it's a tad bit difficult to save how I want to save. Next year, not only will I be paying on my car more - thank the Heavens....but I plan on putting back quite a bit. I'm very VERY bad at putting back a lot, and then not touching it. "It's savings....I have been saving for so long, I don't want to have to use it"...."What are you saving for?"..."Umm..."....pretty much how my convos go in regards to saving and spending money. ORGANIZE. Okay, this is 2 in one, but - I need to be more organized about how I save. BIG things I want to save for....Tyler. Christmas (this year, people got the shaft...). Ireland. Vacation. Rainy Day. I need to have money for a rainy day, only because - okay, example. My cd player has bitten the dust. I have a 2006 car...yeah, I said the same thing. I haven't had the extra money to get it fixed - iPod has been a lifesaver. Not to mention, my car has been making some pretty funny sounds, but because I'm too cheap, my answer to myself when I hear it..."It can wait until taxes"...so, lets see...become less anal, save, organize. Got it.

So, I hope my list of resolutions has amused all of you, because it has me. My head is spinning...but here we go. Let's get it on, 2010 :) I'm ready.

Everyone have a safe and happy new year. I look forward to spending yet, another year with all of you! Happy New Year and GOD BLESS!!

Where does the time go??!

Christmas always brings back so many memories for me. TONS with my mom, with my family - just all around, happy/great memories. Those are the memories that have stuck with me over the years. No matter how old I get, I can always remember those great things. Sure, I forget some of the details, but Adam is normally really good about remembering those and that's when I say, "Oh yeah! I forgot about that!" I guess I shouldn't use the word "memories"...more like traditions. Traditions that I want to carry out for Ty. I want him to experience the traditions that I had as a kid and still remember to this day. I remember waking up EARLY EARLY and going in for a "peek", then being so excited to see what Santa had brought us, running in and waking up Adam (very quietly, so mom wouldn't wake up and realize we were already up...HOURS before we were allowed to come get her to open presents)...I would stand over Adam...give him a little shake and say, "Toe! Wake up!!!! Come see what Santa brought!" - In case you didn't know, we called Adam "Toe" growing up...it's the hair! Then, after we'd go see what Santa brought us, realizing we still had 3-4 more hours before we could wake mom up, I would go camp out in Adam's floor and we'd talk about what we would do with the toys Santa brought for us. Then, clock strikes 5, ON THE DOT, here we go..."Mom, it's Christmas!!! Wake up!!" We would go open our presents and I will never forget the happiness on my mom's face as she would see us open our presents and it be EXACTLY what we asked for. Then, I didn't realize all the excitement she felt and the accomplishment of providing a Christmas for 2 kids, BY HERSELF. Now, I can honestly say she is my hero. I now know what that huge grin on her face meant, and the feeling of accomplishment. I know Ty is still little and won't experience these feelings and surprises for a while, but I feel the exact accomplishment my mom felt. Being a single mother and still being able to give Ty a wonderful Christmas - that's a gift in itself. I know, I know...gifts aren't what Christmas is about - but to me, the accomplishment and "traditions" I can pass on to Ty will give me happiness forever! After we'd open presents, we would then go to Mamaw's and eat...then we would all sit in the living room - now, for those of you that have seen my grandmother's living room, it's pretty small...so having the ENTIRE family there bunched together, opening presents, hearing the 'thank yous', the excitement - was a wonderful memory in itself. I can't tell you how much I miss having the ENTIRE family at Mamaw's for Christmas. Oh, how time changes...mom and Papaw are gone...there's not a bunch of kids in the floor watching cartoons and playing with our presents, my uncle and his family live in Clarksville, so they don't come in for Christmas anymore...and we're all grown. Ok, is it me, or is this blog getting pretty depressing?? Sheesh. Anyway, point made, I miss the Christmas traditions, the family, my mom, my papaw, and seeing the HUGE smile on my mom's face as we open our presents...but only now can I pass that tradition on to Ty and hope he realizes what that big goofy smile means, when he's my age :)

On a lighter note, Christmas is 1 week away and I am stoked! Ty is getting so big...crawling EVERYWHERE...walking, with assistance of course. He won't let go of mommy. He is now wanting EVERY THING mommy puts in her mouth...last night he was playing in the floor, he stands up at my legs and just looks at me, like a little puppy dog and every time I put the spoon in my mouth, he wines. Seriously, like a puppy dog :) He is enjoying his toys from his birthday so much, and I promise - pictures will be posted soon! Once I get my own internet and stop stealing it from my neighbors, I promise, I will get back on track with my pictures. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Christmas! Don't forget those "goofy" smiles, because you never know, that could be the tradition your child remembers for the rest of their life. God Bless!

Enjoying the Journey

Since it is the week of Thanksgiving - I figured I would begin by using a quote that I love hearing and it reminds me of why I have made the choices I've made - to get to a wonderful destination.

~ The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination ~

I have discovered, my new favorite word is "Journey". The Journey I embarked on almost 9 months ago, has brought me a very long way. Made me feel so accomplished, proud of myself - FOR ONCE - and happy in my life. The Journey of my life has been a great one, thus far. Sure, the roads in my life were no where NEAR straight, that's for sure, but I am now starting to see my light at the end of the tunnel and I can finally tell myself (without tears streaming down my face) ...."we're going to be okay".

I have so many things to be thankful for and for those of you that I talk to regularly, when I become so down in the dumps - please REMIND me of these! :)

I am thankful for a beautiful little boy that keeps a smile on my face, I am thankful for his mushy cheeks in which I smother with kisses - DAILY! I am thankful for my family - because they have helped me from (I guess we can say) - one destination to bring me out to see that I have a better Journey ahead. My friends that have taught me that when things get rough, it could be worse :) That are always here for me and have been through all of my turmoil and stress over the years - the ones that are still by my side...I love all of you. I am thankful I have a God that shows me if things don't go my way - there's a reason, and he gives me the strength to help me cope. That he gives me a reason to smile, even when I feel like I haven't earned it. Over the past year - those of you that know me, know that it has been...well, HELL...and at some points - it still is, but I am thankful that God continues to keep me lifted, as well as many other people in my life. Now, I don't have the means to give all of you the "giving" part of Thanks'giving'...but I am giving you my kind words and would like to say THANKS to all of you for helping me this past year. I love all of you!! I am also VERY thankful God has put some amazing people in my life that puts a smile on my face every single time I see them. That make me laugh, that treats me like GOLD and keeps telling me that I deserve it, really!??! :)

Okay - enough of that mushy stuff!! I am so excited - because we FINALLY got Ty's crib together and he LOVES IT!! Seems like I was able to spend more time with Ty this weekend...maybe it's the same, but we were able to sit down and play and bond - and he made me laugh so hard over the weekend I was almost in tears. I am so proud of my little munchkin and he is growing like a weed!!! He is finally feeding himself, using his sippy cup, saying MA MA every second if he doesn't see me, wants to cuddle NON-STOP (my favorite)...and he's back in his big boy car seat :) I just love looking back at him and singing Mickey or Mariah Carey Christmas songs to him...seeing him laugh at mommy...I think he likes it - REALLY!!! Not to mention - last night, my little booger stood up for 2 minutes straight!!! NO HELP! Nothing around....just mommy telling him to come see her...no steps yet...but we're getting there. Video is below!

http://s207.photobucket.com/albums/bb70/aj_dilly514_2007/?action=view&current=Video072.flv

(If this doesn't work - let me know and I'll text it to you!)

Happy Thanksgiving - I hope you remind yourself of the things you have to be thankful for! Enjoy your holiday - oh, and the shopping! WAHOO!!

Thankful

I know, I know...it's not Thanksgiving yet - but I have finally decided to be thankful for what I have instead of dwelling on my misery, which we all know - consists of ONE THING. I am a very firm believer in prayer and knowing it works. Of course, NEVER in the time you want it to...but I think I hit a growth spurt in the past couple of years and have started being more thankful for my patience. It is so hard to be patient about things, but over the past month or so - things are starting to fall into place and I'm beginning to have a peace about everything. I stress out pretty bad, well...about everything. But things are beginning to take a turn :) FOR THE BETTER!! Most of you know what that better is, and I am just thankful for my friends and my family that carry my weight along with me. I'm so thankful for the people that make me laugh and smile admist all of the drama. You guys have no idea how much you truly mean to me!

On a lighter note - I am so excited!!! Tis' the season for carving pumpkins, sweaters, fur jackets, boots (I love my boots!!), Starbucks, cuddling, snuggling, bonfires, hot chocolate - WITH TONS OF MARSHMELLOWS!! Being in the Smokies, Shopping, Game Nights while wrapped up in my momma's quilt, Tennessee Football and Apple Cider. This time of year just makes me so happy and puts me in the best mood!! I can't wait to share my happiness and traditions with the people that mean the most to me :) Let's get it started!!!

Ahh...HEAVEN

Thank You, Starbucks for the best Holiday drink...EVER INVENTED :)

Thanks Ariat - for the best boots ever!!!

And Thank You, God for my little bittie snugglie :)

The Little Things

Well, for all of you blog 'stalkers' out there. I'm back and better as ever! A lot has happened since my last blog site was published! Tyler is JUST ABOUT 10 months old now. That boy keeps me smiling! He just got his first 2 'teefers', and he shows them off like it's a shiny new car! So cute! He is TRYING to crawl more, but we are still at maybe one or two crawls, then he cries for mommy to come pick him up :) ...and I do! Going through a divorce, which -- I couldn't be happier about! HAHA...best decision I have made in the past 5 1/2 years! I realized last week how hard it is going to be. (Yes, just last week...it hit me!) After a very emotional/stressful week, something just hit me like a ton of bricks - I CAN do this, my mom did this, and I am strong enough to deal with this. Then I realized, after many many many tears and sleepless nights, this is just one of those 'little things' that help you reach your goal in the end. I also realized the past 5 1/2 years - has been nothing but a lesson. A lesson about strength, encouragement, faith in friends and family, happiness, LOVE, and most of all will power. Yes, it's true...the things that don't kill us, makes us stronger. LITERALLY. I think there are far worse things in the world going on, than my 'little things'. I mean, really....I am the winner in all of this, I came out on top - with an amazing little boy that brings tears to my eyes every time I see that beautiful smile, with a family that has stuck by me through some pretty horrible days, my friends that kept me 'motivated' and kept me grounded, God - without all of the prayers and strength, who knows where I would be. So, I have a reason to say I'm blessed and to keep on 'truckin'....because it's what I do :)

Also, one of the 'little' things that I absolutely enjoy....FALL/WINTER. Today has been heaven to me...a chill outside with a warm heater at my feet...just waiting for the leaves to change. I have waited 4 1/2 years to be able to watch 'FALL' and it's only THE BEGINNING!!! I love new beginnings....A FRESH START.