Where are you headed??

More like, where did you come from?? When I think about my childhood - I think about growing up with a brother I could be sarcastic with, that I could take the beating from - but still was terrified when he saw my face afterwards and would run to mom, that I could laugh about EVERYTHING with, could talk to about anything....That could see the fear in my eyes and be able to talk me through it or grab my hand and let me know he was there. With a mother that would do anything she could to make sure we had every single thing we wanted, to make sure we knew we were loved and that she did the very best she could. That I could talk to about anything, no matter what. I still remember her voice, her laugh, her hands, remember her laying in bed with me - every single night - when I couldn't sleep because I would be afraid of dying and being buried. Feeling like I was going to be sick, and knowing she would be there, with a wet rag on my neck, holding my hair...that would let me crawl in bed with her and sleep in between her legs - like a dog. She must have loved me, because how uncomfortable that was for her! With a family that was always there for me, looked out for me, and would make sure I had everything I needed, when mom couldn't give it to me. With a grandmother - again, that I could tell anything to and know it wasn't going anywhere. But could also give me the look of death when I did something wrong, but the second I threw up "flowers" or doing her hair or nails, would love me with the sweetest smile in her being. With a grandpa that watched nothing but Hulk Hogan (Wrestling), COPS, and In the Heat of the Night...that would pinch the heck out of my pinkie - to "milk my mouse" but was so cuddly, I could curl up on his lap and cuddle with him, like a big teddy bear. That, still to this day, I can still remember his smell(s), his laugh, his sneeze, his hands, loading scrap metal with him, working on cars with him, being his little helper...my Pappy. Always, growing up, like other normal families/kids...we didn't have everything we ever wanted, not the HUGE house, not the nicest cars, not the best clothes or toys...as per the other kids. We were always happy though. I honestly never remember in my life, crying or being so upset when I couldn't have something. I remember being told no, but then my birthday or Christmas would roll around and there it would be. Patience. I have met some pretty amazing people in my life - clearly, couldn't mention all of them...but I am very thankful for the places I have been. Very excited for the places I am going. I am beyond excited to know that where I came from 1 year ago, is beyond words. Those of you may have an idea of how I returned back from Cali...roughing it! I left it all. I got all I could get in my car and the big fat turtle on top of my car - Thanks Kar!! Angie, I will get that out of your garage ASAP, I promise! :) Ah hum, needless to say, I didn't have very much. I gave all of my furniture up. All of it. Well, all of it but Ty's stuff. I just wanted out. So, when I finally moved out and got my own place - it was quite the emotional experience. Knowing I couldn't afford ANYTHING...knowing I had nothing, I felt like I had failed as a mother. I left the "home" I had, everything in it, to get away and to have NOTHING. My first night in the apartment...I borrowed toilet paper, yes, borrowed. Had to borrow plastic forks, paper plates, EVERYTHING. I had to sit in my floor and watch tv (one that someone had been generous enough to give me) - cable is included in my rent - THANK GOD! The only furniture I had was my bedroom suite and that has been loaned to me as well. Ty was still in his pack n' play, where he had spent the last 7 months of his life. I literally had nothing. My grandmother went with me to K-Mart to pick up some necessities for the apartment, shower liner, hooks, towels, a clock! She bought me my towels and my shower hooks...and I stood in line in K-Mart...boo hooing, just thankful for everyone that had helped me out. My amazing friends gave me a housewarming party that helped me get a few more things for the house...actually a lot of things! I honestly cannot describe that feeling...the feeling of not having anything, having people give you things, buy things for you...I am crying now, as I type this. Kayla took me shopping for toilet paper, DAWN, paper towels, a trash can...just let me pile the buggy full. Paid for all of it. You guys have been so wonderful. I see the things you guys have done and where I came from, and what I have now. I now have all the furniture I have ever wanted, a flat screen (who would have thought!), my first washer and dryer, I have been able to decorate, buy things to hang on the wall...did I think I could do this 4 months ago? NO way. Every single bit of everything I have, is paid for. That is nothing but God gracing me with some wonderful friends, family, and plenty of blessings that have helped me on my way. I want each and every one of you to know that I appreciate every bit of it and will be here for you, if/when you ever need anything. I love all of you. That being said, back to my post - Where am I headed? I'm headed to a life of blessings and appreciation and patience for everything I never thought would come, coming. So, from where I came from, to where I am now...nothing. but. blessings. AHH :)

Breate. It. In.

Not Me! Monday..

Welcome to Not Me! Monday - where I share my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. So, here goes!


No, I did not get a country fried steak - with GRAVY, corn nuggets, scalloped potatoes and a biscuit for lunch...and eat it all - Nope! Not me! However, since I didn't do those things, I will have to admit that I DID have water - REALLY, I DID! Nor did I text Mark throughout our staff meeting, to throw in my two cents about certain people - that I did not want to share with the rest of the class - Nope, Not me! No, I did not refill my coffee cup 3 times this morning, Nope! Not me! When my alarm went off this morning, I could have gotten up when I was supposed to, but decided I needed 10 more minutes - only to lay there for 10 minutes convincing myself I SHOULD be up, and not laying in bed, regretting that I hit the snooze button, ONE MORE TIME. Nope! Not me! So much for the "snooze" button...more like a "regret" button. ARGH! Last one - I DID NOT call my brother Saturday night, venting about something, only to lash out at him and bawl my eyes out, and REGRET it...with him saying, "Loni, I understand, it's okay to feel that way...don't let it get to you so much! Love you!" Nope, Not me! :) With that said, I have the best brother on the planet that lets me call and vent to him about my pointless drama and cry to him about - oh, everything. For him to talk me through it, make me laugh, and hang up saying 'I love you'...yes, I have the best brother ever!! Happy Monday - Y'all!

Happy Valentines Day!

I know, I know...it's late. So what...! Well, for those of you that haven't heard me complaining about my horrible week last week...guess what!? Yep...last week was horrible. I moved from my bed to the couch, very little...went to pee, very little....ate food, yeah, not so much. Lost 3 lbs...yes! Went to the doctor last Wednesday because I thought I was DYING. I NEVER go to the doctor, unless yes...I'm dying. I don't take medicine, unless...yes, I'm dying. I hate it all! So, after 4 baths on Wednesday morning, from about 1 am to 5 am...I contemplated whether or not to go to the doctor...I laid in my nice, sweaty bed for a couple of hours, bawling my eyes out, wanting my mommy, DYING. So, who to call at 6 am?? My sweet, loving, caring, tell me crap I don't want to hear, but the truth...my brother! Yep, called him crying at 6am. Threatening a visit to the hospital because I was DYING.

OUR CONVO GOES LIKE THIS:
Adam: "Loni...are you really dying or are you just saying that?"
Me: ::sniff::sniff::groggy voice::"I don't know, Adam....I don't know what dying feels like, but if this is anything like it, I would much rather be in the hospital where people can revive me, because I feel like I'm dying."
Adam: "Loni, go to the doctor, don't deal with the deductible, it's not worth it. I don't think you're dying..."
Me: "But I don't even have the energy to call the insurance company to find out what doctor in the area takes the insurance"
Adam: "Ok, call them, call me back and let me know what they say"..
Me: ::sniff::sniff::groggy voice:: "Ohhhhhhk"

Don't you just love him? Boy, am I glad I listened...up until I was seen, I was still wishing I had gone to the hospital, because while sitting in the waiting room, watching people laugh, kids playing, me wanting to bang my head against the wall...I would have much rather been curled up in a hospital bed, with a warm blanket, crying about dying, well...to anyone that would listen :) But once I saw the doctor and he explained that it was just a virus, nothing they could do...I was certainly glad I listened to BIG brother and went to the doctor and skipped out on a $150 co-pay. Don't you just love him!??! Haha!

By the way, I'm feeling TONS better, just a little cough, (Mark at work, calls it hacking...but whatever..at least I'm not dying anymore!...Deal with it!) But I finally was able to come back to work on Friday, I was going to come in early too...I was sooooo excited to be feeling better and get back to work...got Ty strapped in the car seat, went to start it...DEAD. Apparently, my car died in the process of me dying...ha! So, good thing I was going to leave early, because I was only 30 minutes late....had to get jumped off...but it's good as new! I got to work and Mark decided to give me crap about needing a man at home, because not only can I not drive in the snow, or need help carrying groceries up.... I need A MAN to come help me jump my car off....oh please :) So, needless to say, it was an interesting week, the guys were glad to have me back at work to harass (what do they do without me?!?) and I am feeling TONS better. ANNNND I'm not dying. Adam is going to make a great doctor :)

Rewind to Valentine's Day weekend...umm...I got to see my dad, whom I haven't seen in over 6 months!!! I was stoked! I actually had a "date" but not really a date, for Valentines. My best buddy, Brock, decided to take me out to dinner to this little amazing Mexican restaurant in Knoxville, which, by the way, I am going back for that deep fried burrito...YUMMO! :) Then, Valentines Day, I got to spend the day with my 3 favorite men...My brother, My handsome little boy and my daddy :) All and all, a good Valentines Day...oh yeah...just a few little things I decided to treat myself with :)

Not Me! Monday

Well, I got this idea from a blog that I visit a lot...and it just shares my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. So, here goes!

So, I am not sitting at my desk, working on a spreadsheet, about to pull my eye sockets out, munching on a 100-calorie pack, drinking water AND a cappuccino...nope, Not me! While I was cleaning this weekend, I noticed something in the corner of my bathroom closet, a broom, that I have, still to this day, never used, because I'm too lazy and would rather vacuum up stuff, nope! Not me! I really don't enjoy working with men more, because they give me a hard time, don't have drama and laugh at my corny jokes...Nope! Not me! Absolutely, in no way, go and get Tyler out of his bed yesterday to come lay with me in mine...to cuddle, until 1 PM...Nope, Not me! No, I do not melt at the sight of this handsome face...Nope, Not me!

Overwhelmed, Me?? No Way!

Oh, for years and years I have thought about this moment. Going back to school. Man o' Man. How hard could it be!? Yeah, right. It has been 6 years since I have graduated and still have not the slightest idea of what I want to do. Boy, have I thought about it. I went from wanting to do Forensics to Design (Architecture) to Culinary (Pastry) Chef to Teacher to Engineer to Teacher to Culinary to Teacher to "Lord Jehovah, I have no idea and this is ridiculous!!" OR I could be like Adam and go to be a doctor. Go big or go home, right?? Yeah, no thanks. Yeah, I have commitment issues...marriage - ha! Car payment - man, I have just had the slight thought of forgetting to put it in park and let it roll down a hill and crash and burn, just to get rid of the payment...Um, yeah...tell me about it. Horrendous. Not only do I have the question, what am I going to do...but where am I going to find the stinking time?!? I work 40+ hours a week, I feel like I hardly see Ty as it is, and yet I'm wanting to leave straight from my hectic day, miss going home to cuddle my boy and go to school for hours. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. So yes, a prayer for my decision making skills. I haven't had the 'sharpest knife in the drawer' as far as that goes...so lets get it right this time :) Thanks God.

On a lighter note - Ty doesn't have to have the tubes put in his ears!!! YIPPIE SKIPPY! Wonderful news :) Prayer answered on that! He is walking all over the place now and wanting to hang on to mommy's legs everywhere she walks. That boy sneaks up behind me all of the time! He also sneaks off all of the time. I believe it was over the weekend, when I was cleaning and ran to the kitchen for a sec...(FOR A SEC)...and little nosey butt (I'll take credit) decides to play with that blue stuff in the big white bowl. Yep, you guessed it. Fishin' in the toilet bowl. GRRRRROOOOSSSSSS! I am so thankful for Bath and Body works $3 ANTI BACTERIAL soap that I stocked up on...shoo wee! Ty had a fever a couple of weeks ago and had to go on breathing treatments, he was diagnosed with RSV. It's like a cold for us, but horrible for him. Poor boy. He is feeling 100% back to normal now! Has a total of 5 teeth, that I can see. Two on top, 3 on bottom. Eats like a piglet. LOVES mexican rice, sucking water out of mommy's straw, Hooters (the restaurant!! Not the "hooters!!") and melts my heart every single day :) Let me just fill you in on our trip to Hooters on Friday. Nothing but smiles from this boy. He would eat, Hooters girl would walk by, he would completely ignore the fork in front of his face and smile the biggest smile ever. Our waitress came and sat down to take our order, Mr. Flirt decides he will laugh, grin, then look at her legs. Man, am I in trouble or what?!? At least he's going for the pretty ones...and not MEN. HALLELUJAH!! :)

Beyond excited. Filed my taxes. Awesome. I finally get to put money back, pay off my bills - ALL OF THEM!!!!!, buy myself a washer and dryer - yahooie! My little apartment doesn't really look like an apartment anymore, and I definitely think it will look way better once that furniture is paid off!!! :) So, good news on this end.

God has blessed me and my family so much and I cannot begin to express how excited I am to see what happens in the next year. I just hope I can make a decision of what I want to do the rest of my life. Oh Lord. :) Wish me luck!!!

Oh, how lucky....

How lucky am I to have the most gorgeous little boy and the best family and friends a girl could ask for?? Tell me, how lucky?? I think I an answer that....I can answer that with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. It's that feeling. You know the one...the one where you can sit and say, "Gosh, how did I get so lucky?" Last night was one of those moments. Well, every day is one of those moments, but last night...my heart ached with the happiness I felt. The laughter I had. As soon as I hit the door of the evening, I peek around to see where my little munchkin is...the second I spot him and the second he spots me is the best moment of my day. He gives me that "make mommy melt" grin and throws his hands up...like, "Geez mommy...where have you been...FINALLY!" Every Day. So when I pick him up he grabs me so tight and lays his head on my shoulder and raises up with a smile. I know, as I'm typing this, I'm getting teary just thinking about getting off work to see it happen again. Oh, and that laugh. Some people have heard it...but not very many. He has a "woodpecker" laugh, as I like to call it, mostly everyone hears that one...not too many people have heard the 'bust a gut' laugh...the one where he throws his head back and laughs so hard he has to catch his breath. THAT LAUGH. Last night, on multiple occasions, I was able to hear that laugh. I love that laugh. THAT LAUGH is just enough to keep me happy and smiling for the rest of my days. Unbelieveable. Not to mention...little man walked!!! BY HIMSELF. No help from mommy....he walked straight to me and would give me one of those laughs every time he got to me. I have to say, it was one proud moment for this mama!!! Video is below :)

Learning....BLAH!

How many times have you felt a certain way, but gone in a completely wrong direction, then when you get there, you see a big fat sign saying, "Please turn around, you're going the wrong way!" then you want to turn around and head for the hills? I can honestly say, that has been my life in the past, oh...6 years. From graduating high school, to going off and getting hitched...only to realize (NOW) I should have just stayed and gone to school...I could be doing what I absolutely LOVE right now! However, I should say -- I do not live in the past, nor regret my decisions. Last night, as I was laying on my couch...in severe pain from my stinking kidneys...I was thinking...I am pretty content with my life and the decisions I have made. Sure, that college thing is going to happen...not looking forward to it, but I'll get there! Sure, I have to sacrafice some time with my handsome fella to get it done, but it will happen. I have used this sentence in the past couple of weeks, OFTEN..."I'm just going to let things happen"... but when I do that, I don't realize that I push them to happen the way I want to, and not just "let it happen"... so that's what I'm going to do. Pray...Wait...and Listen. This is coming from a pretty impatient person. Actually, really impatient. In fact, I don't think I have ever been patient for anything...other than winning the lottery. :) Another time when I saw that big fat sign...getting hitched. What on earth was I thinking? Sure, Ty is the best little miracle to come from that horrendousness, but come on, God...why couldn't I have had my glasses on when I passed that sign? But as I was painfully thinking last night (ha!) I thought to myself, "I honestly learned my lesson!!" What a crappy lesson, but hey...I learned it. It's like when you're in high school and the teacher is going over, lets say, GEOMETRY. I have NEVER, EVER used Geometry since that moment. It's those things you learn, that you have no use for...but you know them because the teacher is pounding them in your head. It's kind of like that. I have learned, so far - as much as I could have - what it's like to be a single parent...to go through the things my mom had to experience. I have thought to myself (and out loud) - "How did mom do it?? With 2 kids??" Gives you a little more respect for someone when you're sitting in their big whoppin' shoes. I have learned that you have to WORK for things you want...and save for things you want to do or buy. Learn not to trust people so much. Learn not to take family for granted. They WONT always be there. Cherish the time you have with them. I have done just that. Never in my wildest, did I think I would be losing my mom 3 years ago. Nor, did I think I would be able to live without her. I talked to her every single day, and still - to this day, want to pick up the phone and call her, just to vent...The feeling of knowing that I can't do that...such a bad feeling. That word. Learning. Yes, I missed out on college 6 years ago (Lord, I could almost be a doctor...::keep writing::) but the life lessons I have learned would be enough to last me a life time. Thus, I have created a list. A list of things I want to do, people I want to surround myself with, things I want to accomplish, things I want Ty to value, just as much as I did. It started out as a small list - in my head - that I made when I left Brandon...of things I would not ever live around/with anymore. More like an, ah hum,...next spouse list?? Yes, that's it. It started out as that...of things I want, things I don't want. Boy, has it grown. It has branched out to be about 3 different lists. I have kept this list to myself, until now. People know I have it, they just don't know what it says. Well, look at me, Ms. Blogger...opening up. I just wanted to share...so that you guys know where I'm coming from and what I've LEARNED in the past 6 years.
Okay, Okay - This may not be realistic, but it'll be dang close. I may have to change a few...but not the most important ones :)

List #1 - My MAN list
MUST be a Christian and attend church regularly
MUST not have any addictions
MUST not smoke - YUCKO
MUST love Ty and treat him like his own
MUST love me and treat me the way I deserve
MUST have a job
MUST have money - haha...okay, that one I may have to change...but hopefully not!
MUST have a car

MUST be able to support himself...before me!
MUST be family oriented
MUST like to travel
MUST be willing to have a female (ME) as his best friend
I'm sure I'll be adding wayyyy more to this as time goes on...but that's the gist of it!

List #2 - My list to Ty
I want him to know how much I have tried to make his life the best possible
I want him to know how much I love him and support him
I want him to appreciate me and the things I do for him
I want him to know I'm proud of him
I want him to be my little Heisman boy...hey...dream big or go home...what I say :)
I want him to be a family man and know how to treat a woman - AND HE WILL
I want him to be raised in church - AND HE WILL BE
I want him to succeed in everything he does in life
I want him to know that even though I can't give him EVERY THING that he wants, I will try my very best.
I want him to know the value of a dollar
I want him to know that certain things in life ARE NOT OKAY
I want him to know that certain things in life ARE OKAY
I want him to know how much I love him, never to question it.
I don't want him to hate me for leaving his dad
I don't want him to hate me...Period.
I don't want him to EVER question my love for him and why I did the things I did.
I could go on and on...

List #3 - Things I want
I want to be the best mother Tyler could ever ask for
I want to go back to school and GRADUATE
I want to continue to hold God in front of me...(and behind me...if I do happen to fall)
I want this stinking divorce over with!!
I want to get my car paid off so I can get rid of this ridiculous car payment
I want to win the lottery..haha! (Just making sure you're paying attention!)
I want to own my own house
I want to meet the man of my dreams
I want to succeed for once.
I want to make Ty proud of me
I want my family to know how much I love them, even if I don't tell them
I want to give Ty all I can possibly give him
I want to travel...ALL OVER. Ireland #1.
I want Ty to be there.
I want to take chef classes - just for fun :)
I want to take pictures...of everything - and actually show people :)
I want to know that if anything ever happened to me that I did all that I could do to complete every single thing on all of these lists.
Sure, it may not all happen...and it just may - it just might take a while. But I plan on sticking on this earth for a few more years...God gave me the time to do it, and I only get one chance. So, this is it! I think everyone should have a "list"...maybe not 3...maybe just 1, but it helps put things in perspective. I'm excited.

Some pictures :)

Also...check out my new furniture!!